Have you ever sat and reflected on your life? Ever reach a certain age and think to yourself "Am I where I thought I'd be in life by this age?"
I find myself doing that alot lately...perhaps it's the fact that my 30th birthday is fast approaching...perhaps it's the fact that the boy will soon be 9 years old...and I just always thought I'd have accomplished so much more as he grew older.
Don't get me wrong...I am proud of the things I have accomplished in life. I love my job and have definitely chosen the right career path...I also love the boy more than words can ever say and I marvel at how smart he is each and every single day...not to mention he's kind and thoughtful. I love the boyfriend and that will never change regardless of our different views on where our lives are going. We know we'll be together...but will our relationship ever move from where we are today? That question remains unanswered.
But as I watched Molly and Jason (yes the cheesy Bachelor special that I of course had to tune into) wed last night I couldn't help but feel sad...sad for the things I've never experienced in life and maybe never will. I always saw myself with a houseful of children...not just one...though I am grateful for him, there are many that struggle with infertility and never get to have that one child they yearn for. I also always thought I'd be swept away...relationships are full of romance and fun and excitement...they aren't hard...or at least that's what we are led to believe as little girls...
The harsh reality is...I haven't accomplished any of the goals I've had for myself...the boyfriend and I aren't married and as time goes on I wonder if it's just not meant to be that way...it's not a priority for him...this I knew when I met him...so why did I settle?
There are no talks of future children even though I've always wanted more...I mean yes, there is the "maybe someday" sort of talks...but nothing serious...again I wonder when I decided that was okay with me....or is it really...
Yes, some deep thoughts today...bear with me...I hope to sort it all out but the truth is I really feel like I've been jipped...like the plan I had in mind for myself for the past 30 years was stolen from me...like I may always feel like something is missing...it's a struggle somedays to get through life...but I always remind myself that we are happy and healthy and there are some out there that don't even have a roof over their heads or food in their belly...so although I feel at a loss as far as where my life is headed and what my purpose here on earth really is...I do know that I am thankful for what I do have.
~~Mel~~
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5 comments:
Oh sweetie, I want to just reach out and give you a hug. I hate it when things don't go as I had planned. For the most part I think that life has pretty much gone as I hoped it would, but there are those times that I get a little sad thinking about what might never be. I'm creeping up on thirty too {in June, yikes!}, and it's not that I'm scared of thirty ~ I just don't know how I got here so quickly! :)
I don't know enough about your situation to give you advice, but I hope you don't settle. If you truly desire to marry and have more children, those are biggies! Something that I would think you'd really regret later on if you just "swept it under the rug" now.
Hope you are able to talk with the Boyfriend about all of this.
Hugs ♥
Good post Mel, reflection is a good thing - and all the questions you raise are good ones. I think everyone wonders what might have been, and questions if they've 'settled'. I have a lovely roof over my head, 4 kids, and am fast approaching 40 - and yet I wonder if I was really cut out for this?
Liz has lots of good points in her comment. If you're wondering about marriage and more children now, how will you feel about it in 10 years? Food for thought.
xo
Jen
I am living my so called dream... Life is how I pictured it, but there are days when I feel like I am suffocating and just need to breathe and then others where I am so content and just HAPPY! I think its normal to wonder what else is out there... To think the what ifs... I had a hard time turning 30, as I still feel like a 16 year old kid!!! 40 is gonna kill me!
I took 30 really hard. I hadn't accomplished my goals by that point. Reality sucks ;) especially when relationships are concerned. I settled twice... I would say just try to settle for someone you can talk to and be yourself with..
I'm going through that right now too. I got married when I was 20, didn't get to have a wedding, and gave up my spot in med school (my university allowed certain students to secure a spot during their sophomore year of college). I love, LOVE my boys and feel very fortunate that I'm able to stay at home with them, but sometimes I do wonder what if? I think that's completely normal. Only you can know what's best for you.
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