Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Saying Goodbye to 2012

Wow I was shocked and amazed that I haven't written a blog post in a year and a half.  Reading that blog post written in August of 2011 was a hard thing to do.  I seemed so happy then...who knew that 2012 was going to bring so much heartache and a loss of myself. 

Much of it had to do with NB...wow at that time he was still a new boyfriend but even in writing that post I should have seen the things coming that did...I just was blind to them because I was so in love.  Don't get me wrong I will always hold a special place in my heart for NB and I don't think he's a bad person.  We just learnt over time (it took me quite a bit longer than him) that we don't mesh well.  I mean we do as a couple...but as a blended family and having to deal with an ex-girlfriend/mother of his child was more than this girl could handle.  She hated the fact that me and NB were dating from day one and was not silent about it...she even went so far as telling their son that he did not have to listen to me or even respect me or acknowledge my existence. 

I can look at all the reasons why we can't or shouldn't be together and wholeheartedly think that me and my boy are so much better off just the two of us...but it's hard.  It's so hard when you meet that someone that you connect with on a level that you have never before connected with someone...yet outside circumstances prevented us from being truly happy. 

I'm still trying not to dwell on the "what ifs" and the "should haves" or "could haves" and just be me again.  I bent over backwards trying to be the best girlfriend to NB and a friend to his son...so much so that at times I know my own boy resented me...not to mention the fact I completely forgot the little things in life that make ME smile.

I have spent the better part of five years in a relationship - this one pursued me just weeks after me and my ex broke up (and the ex and I were together for 3 years) and when all was said and done NB and I did see our two year anniversary though it was rocky by that time at best.  I have been single in the past.  In fact after my boy was born I spent 6 years with no real relationships...so yes it can be done.  But I find myself so lonely at times that I just want to call him up and beg him to come 'home'.  Fact is that won't solve anything and I can't and won't be at his beck and call as I have been in the past. 

When I reflect on the last year it's one big blur because honestly it was so drama filled and just not fun.  So here's to 2013 being the best year yet...no more heartache, no more tears!