Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Two Years Ago - The Post Where I Get Kind of Deep

I interrupt my regular blogging randomness...to tell you a little story...something that still makes me very sad from time to time...

You see two years ago today (well okay Saturday but I didn't have time to write this post then)...I lost someone very special to me...not through death...though sometimes I think this way may be worse because there is just no closure.

Let me back up just a little...

When I moved to this city back in 2001 I knew very few people. My mom and extended family (that I didn't really know well) and that's it...that's all. So when I met this girl "D" about six months after the boy was born and we hit it off and were Besties right from the start...well I couldn't have been happier. We were joined at the hip...literally...wherever she went I went too...usually having the boy in tow...but she didn't seem to mind. In fact, she used to beg me to let her babysit while I worked...this was pre-kids for her.

Until September of 2002 when her and her (then) husband had their own bouncing baby boy. Sadly, her husband was laid off in early 2003 and they figured it wise to move out of province and go back to where "D" considered home so her parents could help them out financially until they were back on their feet again. We kept in touch via email, telephone and good old fashioned letter writing.

I was more than thrilled when she came back for a visit in the Summer of '04 and told me that she was coming back...with or without her husband...they were having marital problems and she was very unhappy living so close to her family who were the meddling type...but when she went back home after her visit she (unexpectedly) got pregnant and decided it was best to stay put, at least for the time being, as her husband had a decent job and now they had another little one on the way.

BUT in the summer of '05 after their second baby boy was born she knew she had to get out of the small town they were in and back here to the big city life which she enjoyed so much more. So they came back...and I was soooooooooo happy.

Little did I know that this was when all sorts of drama was going to come into my life. You see she was still unhappy with her husband...he refused to keep a job...played video games relentlessly...and just did not help with the boys. So I stepped in and would often spend the days with her...we'd take the 3 boys out to the park or to the mall or just let them run wild in McDonalds playland. I continuously told her that the constant fighting that went on in her household was not good for her children and that she really just needed to leave. But she was afraid of the unknown...having not worked in well over 3 to 4 years she was certain she could not get a decent paying job and would not be able to survive.

She started to become someone I didn't even know anymore...putting herself before her children...I remember her husband calling me on ocassion wondering if I knew where she was because she would up and leave for days on end. To this day I don't know where it was she was 'escaping' to...she always told me that she was out with some girls she had worked with years earlier...but who really knows.

In March of '07 (just a few months before I met the boyfriend)...I met a guy at the bar...he seemed like a nice enough guy...we 'saw each other' for just over a month when I realized he was not looking for anything serious...and in and around that time I had kind of decided I was ready to settle down...so we broke off ties.

Little did I know that "D" kept talking to him. In fact he started hanging out at her house and befriended her husband...I kind of started to get a bad feeling about him then...I mean you meet a girl...things don't really work out and what do you do? Go after her (married) friend...ummm ewwwww.

In July of '07...I was happily dating the boyfriend and "D" and I were growing apart...I just couldn't stand to see her flirting with this guy all while supposedly trying to make it work with her husband. So one day she calls me up and is crying hysterically...begs me to come down and spend the day with her because she really needs someone to talk to. I got there and her husband was gone...she said he had left her because she was pregnant with another man's baby...yep you guessed it...she had been fooling around with the guy I had met months earlier at the bar.

She decided she was going to keep the baby but cut off ties as much as she could with the 'affair guy'...she told me that he was abusive to her older two boys and that she didn't want him anywhere around them. I of course tried to explain to her that seeing that she was carrying his child it wasn't going to be easy to get rid of him. I urged her to come and stay with me where I could support her and help her stay strong.

But she refused and next thing I knew she was barely calling and when I called her she wouldn't answer the phone. Eventually her phone was disconnected and the only way I could contact her was to go down to her apartment...so I did...numerous times. Most times she wouldn't answer the door but I could hear the boys playing inside.

Finally one day she came to the door and told me that "affair guy" was in her room down the hall and that she really couldn't have me in...it just wasn't a good time. So I left it alone...I was pissed that she would put her own selfish needs over the wellbeing of her boys...but without knowing all the details didn't feel it was my place to step in.

Fast forward to August 29, 2007 - her 25th birthday...I receive a call at work from "D's" sister..."D" is in big trouble...and needs to leave the city. "Affair guy" has been keeping her and the boys locked up in their apartment and refusing to allow any of them to see the light of day...for almost 2 months now. She explained that he had been getting physical with "D" as well as the two boys.

So that day "D" came down to my work and we said our goodbyes...I told her to take care of her babies...her husband (now ex) drove them to the next province over where "D" has a sister that she was going to go and live with to get away from this crazy psycho.

We kept in touch through email and facebook and she even came to visit in November '07...she told me that "affair guy" knew where she was living and had even been out there begging her to marry him. She seemed to have cleared her head a bit out there and knew that being anywhere near him was a bad idea and even tried to convince him that the baby she was carrying was actually her (ex) husband's.

That was the last time I spoke to "D"...ever. I'm sure I could look her up and reconnect...but the thing is do I even want to at this point? I firmly believe that the reason she cut off contact is because she is back with the psycho...he had some kind of hold over her...one that I had never seen anyone have over her. Last I heard through the grapevine they were living as a family...she had a baby girl in Feb '08...I feel sad for all of her kids. I miss the boys terribly...I was "Auntie Mel"...and the boy misses her oldest ALOT....they were the best of pals.

So am I destined to remember this unfortunate series of events every single year on "D's" birthday...and will I get sad every year when I know the boys are celebrating another birthday without Auntie Mel???


Staci said...

awww that really stinks :( It is sad when a friendship ends and even worse when there is no "closure" I had a friendship end recently and I would love some closure... Just the chance to say my peace.... KWIM? I hope "D" is doing okay and I hope her babes are safe, happy, and loved :( Hugs girl!

Ter said...

I am sorry for the loss of your friendship. I can relate in a way. I had a good friend growing up (from age 12) and I loved her very much, but she met a guy, got involved in drugs and was putting her children in danger. I stuck around for about 5 years after all this started simply because I worried about her children, but the final straw was when my own health and welfare became affected ( a. she brought drugs to my home, b. she did not tell me her kids had lice and scabies when they came to stay with me for a weekend and c. she lost my apartment keys and thought it was no big deal) and I just couldn't handle it anymore. As much as it hurt me, I left that friendship. A few months later, I got an email from the girl who rented a room from her parents and was told that she finally (FINALLY!) lost permanent custody of her children. (she had lost them temporarily a few times before!) and I have been able to see her children a few times but unfortunately we all live in different cities so I have not seen them for a few years now. But at least I know they are okay.

LazyCrazyMama said...

How awful and sad :(

~*~ Melissa ~*~ said...

Aww, that is really sad. it's sad to have a friendship end that way. You are probably right, she is probably with him. We all have decisions in our lives and they aren't always easy, but they are ours. She could have gotten out of it if she really wanted to. You might miss her, but I wouldn't keep worrying.

Bill and Lorie Shewbridge said...

I came over from Me & My Boys to congratulate you on your award, but I must say that you touched my heart by your story. I wish you could have had closure to your relationship. You are a true friend and I hope some day you are able to reconnect with your friend and her children and that they are all safe and sound.

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

I am so sorry. She is obviously someone who was very dear to you, and you will probably remember her and her boys for a long time to come. I hope she has straightened out her life, and that she and her children are safe. It's so sad when people get themselves into these situations. You're a great friend.

natalee said...

what a sad story.. you are such a wonderful person it broke my heart that you were so sad my dear friend

That Girl said...

It does get easier or really you have to just occupy your time and make it get easier. It does suck, I know.

onegirliegirl said...

Aw, Mel that's too bad. Why is it as women we all have a story similar to this one?! A lost friendship. Because we love and care about people. That's why.

You still love your friend, and I'm sure she still loves you. Try not to worry too much. Hopefully she has other's in her life that she is letting in.

I'm right there with ya. I may actually have to post about it. Now, you've got me thinking. Take care!!

xoxo ~Lisa

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